I have to tell you a story: The other day I had to take Mr. Boy to Walgreens to get a prescription. It was 14 degrees out, but we live in South Dakota, so we can't just stay indoors for several months out of every year. So I bundled him up and we were off. As I was getting Mr. Boy out of the shopping cart, I could see a lady in my peripheral vision standing there and assumed she was waiting for a cart, so I hurried and grabbed him up to get out of the way before I put his hood over his head, which already had a beanie over it. As soon as I had him out, the lady lunged at us, grabbed Mr. Boy's hood and angrily put it on his head as she said, "Put his hood on!!! Thats just dangerous!!!" and as she stomped away she yelled, "Gosh, Some people!!" What she said was insulting enough, but it was her tone... the air of disgust with which she spoke, that really got to me. At first I was too flustered to react so I said, "thank you," and quickly walked out the door, red faced. I said to myself, whatever.... I don't care. But by the time we reached the car, 5 seconds later, I was screaming expletives at her in my head and trembling. All I wanted was to walk back in there, tell that woman off and then punch her in the face. It was like this crazy woman had overtaken my mind and body. So I called my mom to vent and scream and tell her how surprised I was that I was this angered by what the lady had said, because I did not really care (obviously), but as soon as I hung up, I burst into sobs. It soon became apparent to me that I cared. :)
You see, I tend to look like I should be in the 5th grade and am self-conscious that people look at me and think I must be some irresponsible young kid that must have caused my child's defects and caused his premature birth by taking drugs or drinking etc. So I, this woman who 'doesn't care,' intentionally tries to dress up every time we leave the house or the therapists come to our home, so that people think I'm older, responsible and mature. I actually have a huge fear that people will judge me the wrong way. I know that I am a good mother, I just want so badly for random people, who do not matter at all... to think I'm a good mother. Its dumb, but true and I didn't realize how deeply rooted this desire was until this woman made my nightmare come true.
I have always struggled with my self image and identity, seeking to find it in the way other people viewed me as opposed to rooting it deep within the Lord's heart. In school, I tried so hard to appear cool and smart. Once I had a job, I tried to appear wise and successful, but if I felt that image was not being projected well enough, then it dictated my level of joy. I thought that I didn't have to worry about my identity now that I am a stay-at-home mom, because who doesn't love a stay-at-home mom right?? But Satan knows how to ruin anything doesn't he? It's funny how miserable we can make ourselves when we don't see ourselves the way the Lord does, and trust and live in that reality everyday. In this case, it led to my complete and utter breakdown over someone's silly/random comment. The only opinion that matters is the Lords. And He sees me as a beautiful daughter. I am a daughter of the King. Lord, help me to find my identity in You and You alone, and find joy in every day and every person for who they are and not for what they think of me. Help me to see the world through Your eyes, see people how You see them, and view myself, the way You do.
I don't need more people to tell me I'm a wonderful mom... there will just be more people I'll then want approval from tomorrow. What I need is to spend some time with the Lord and let Him tell me who I am.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;