The week after we found out that Mr. Boy would be born with many special medical needs, something switched off inside of our hearts. We lost our spiritual fervor amidst the fear and pain. We didn't become mad at God... we know that God is Good, that He is Love. We know He does miracles and has been producing them in Mr. Boy's life all along. But it suddenly became much easier to live off of the prayers of others and not pray ourselves. We still have had peace and some joy because we feel the weight of all of your prayers for us... and can see that God has been moving and working. But we have had no desire to pray ourselves. No desire to engage in conversation with our Saviour or read his beautiful word. It was and is much, much easier to escape reality with mind-numbing activities like watching TV. It hurts too much to get on our knees and pray for our son. If we pray for him then we are opening ourselves and our hearts up; we are thinking about all his issues, we are thinking about what he is going through and therefore opening ourselves up to more pain. So the emotional walls went up and the numbness set in. When Doctors would take Mr. Boy to poke at him and Mr. Boy would in turn, scream bloody murder, they'd say, "sorry, we know this must break your heart." But I'd always think, "not really... not so sure if my heart is there anymore." The walls were thick.
With great sorrow, comes the incredible opportunity for peace, joy and growth in the place of intimacy with Christ. But to get there is scary. Emotion is involved, and we have been fleeing anything that will make us face emotion. We've chosen to feel numb instead of anything. If we can escape emotions, maybe we can forget what is going on around us. If we can watch an hour show on TV, maybe we can escape the pain and confusion and fear for that hour. The first month Mr. Boy was home, I just went through the motions of my motherly duties, while soaking my days with Mr. Boy in tv so that I do not get too emotionally attatched. The more I pray for him, the closer I get to him and the more I have to think about what he is going through and will have to go through and then I will have to be more emotionally vested and opened up to be hurt. I will have to hurt when he hurts instead of being able to shut off my heart and look the other way at whatever is captivating on the TV. It's a very selfish move on my part, but it felt like the only way to survive.
TV is an easy fix and not a lasting one, but its the one we have been continually turning to instead of the lasting peace and joy found in a close relationship with our Heavenly Father. You can only run from the Lord for so long before weariness sets in. We've grown deeply weary and tired of running. We want to embrace our emotions, embrace our loving Father, fully engage in prayer and love for our son, and rest in the Lord's beautiful promises and engulfing love which will surely result. (Of course we've loved Mr Boy all along, but there is a sweeter, selfless love for our son that can only be found in the place of intimacy with the Father, a kind of love only He can instill in us, because it first came from HIM). It feels like we've been sitting in an immense heat, shriveling up, while all along there has been this deep, refreshing river right in front of us, waiting for us to jump in. We are just beginning to wet our toes.
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.