With great sorrow, comes the incredible opportunity for peace, joy and growth in the place of intimacy with Christ. But to get there is scary. Emotion is involved, and we have been fleeing anything that will make us face emotion. We've chosen to feel numb instead of anything. If we can escape emotions, maybe we can forget what is going on around us. If we can watch an hour show on TV, maybe we can escape the pain and confusion and fear for that hour. The first month Mr. Boy was home, I just went through the motions of my motherly duties, while soaking my days with Mr. Boy in tv so that I do not get too emotionally attatched. The more I pray for him, the closer I get to him and the more I have to think about what he is going through and will have to go through and then I will have to be more emotionally vested and opened up to be hurt. I will have to hurt when he hurts instead of being able to shut off my heart and look the other way at whatever is captivating on the TV. It's a very selfish move on my part, but it felt like the only way to survive.
TV is an easy fix and not a lasting one, but its the one we have been continually turning to instead of the lasting peace and joy found in a close relationship with our Heavenly Father. You can only run from the Lord for so long before weariness sets in. We've grown deeply weary and tired of running. We want to embrace our emotions, embrace our loving Father, fully engage in prayer and love for our son, and rest in the Lord's beautiful promises and engulfing love which will surely result. (Of course we've loved Mr. Boy all along, but there is a sweeter, selfless love for our son that can only be found in the place of intimacy with the Father, a kind of love only He instill in us, because it first came from HIM). It feels like we've been sitting in an immense heat, shriveling up, while all along there has been this deep, refreshing river right in front of us, waiting for us to jump in. We are just beginning to wet our toes.
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.